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Five Year Old Kids are…Funny…. And Precocious

Posted by on Jul 6, 2015 in Family, Funny | 0 comments

I first wake up, trudging to the coffee pot. I walked past my daughter in my morning half-awake state. She asked if I would help her play Plants vs Zombies on her iPad. I told her, “Not now Sweetie. I need some coffee and Morning Quiet Time”.

Girl: “Ok. Carry on.”

Me: *blink* “Did you just say: carry on?”

Her (still glued to her game): “Yes. Carry on.”

——

Next up…

———

The twins found a Roku channel that is basically educational MTV (back when they played music) for kids. There’s a song about similes and metaphors. And I’m thinking, “wow, they’re learning some really advanced stuff!”

I finally ask my daughter: “So what are similes and metaphors?”

Response: “Superheroes!”

Um, yes, they use those in the cartoon to demonstrate… I need to sit down now and explain the words on the screen and how that works…

I am a Bigger Dork/Nerd/Geek Than My Husband

Posted by on Apr 26, 2015 in Family, Funny, Geek/Nerd | 0 comments

For those that know my husband, AKA Skippy….yes.

Even bigger/moreso than he is. That featured image? That was my first avatar of myself I EVER used online (because I was uncomfortable with my own photos…usually avoided cameras, but used this as a means to get over it).

There is a running joke between Skippy and I: “You know I was XYZ before you proposed/I knew you were XYZ before I proposed”.

Right now, I’m completely geeking out about the new Star Wars movie. This trailer in particular has me going nuts.

My husband, is amused. Me: “You knew I was a flaming geek when you proposed”.

The dorkiness runs strong in this one. I wear it on my sleeve.

To give you an idea of just how bad (good?) I am, when he was working on this Redshirts card,

Hoisted on own Pikard - Redshirts playing card

Click to enlarge

I was in my office, in the morning, drinking coffee and pounding out code for a website. My husband stands in the doorway and gets as far as: “how many lights…?”

Me: “4” (without looking up)

Him (stunned and bewildered, sounding almost hurt): “But I didn’t get to ask you the question yet.”

Me: “Ok, ask” (amused)

Him: “Ok, in that episode in Star Trek where Picard is being tortured and they ask about the lights…”

Me: “Yes dear. There are 4 lights”.

As a result of my recent geek-gasms over the new trailer, I recently made this my new Facebook profile picture.

FB profile pic

Yup. That’s me. (Although I’ve lost a ton of weight and look around 20 now…I need to get a new pic up…)

But anyway, there I am, in all my Nerdy Glory.

Life with Toddlers: Very Often Amusing

Posted by on Mar 13, 2015 in Family, Funny, Life | 0 comments

I have twin 5 year olds. My son is autistic, although high functioning. For a long time, his twin sister was sad that he would not hug her or touch her.

Then one day he did. And again. And some more.

He also has a fixation with bellies. He likes to rub his face on our bellies.

So now he’s constantly all over her and she’s finally having her fill of affection from her brother.

Now, my daughter is also quite the little artist (runs on both sides of the family).

So she made a “no touching bellies” sign painted on a paper towel.

And she shows my husband.

Who proceeds to slowly move his finger to her belly.

Precocious girl points at the sign and says, “Do you NOT see the sign?!”

(Husband arrives at my office door w/tale, in hysterics.)

At one point, I ask her: “but what if someone WANTS their belly touched? Like a belly rub?”

Silence. Can see wheels turning, trying to figure out an answer.

Later, we realize that it’s not that touching bellies is bad. It’s just that THERE IS A SIGN. We have to follow it!

This afternoon, she discovered their pillow cases make great sleeping bags.

THEN the kids discovered how to use them as sacks to jump around in. Two toddlers hopping around house in pillow cases!

Just a while ago, as I’m walking past the couch, my daughter is laying on the couch with something between her legs.

Girl: “Mom, I’m hatching an egg!”

Me: “That’s nice dear. Looking forward to seeing what comes out!”

Never a dull moment, once you have kids. You will totally forget what boredom is like!

 

 

Feminism: That Word Does Not Mean What You Think It Means

Posted by on Feb 9, 2015 in Angry Political Crap, Career, Family, Interesting, Life, Profound, Social Commentary | 0 comments

Feminism.

The word is charged with meaning. It can bring on all kinds of emotions in most individuals.

That said, for most: “that word does not mean what you think it means”.

It does NOT mean that a woman can’t be a stay-at-home mom and still be respected.

It does NOT mean that a stay-at-home mom isn’t a feminist.

It does NOT mean we castigate stay-at-home moms.

It does NOT mean we get MORE rights than men.

It does NOT mean we bitch at men for holding doors or seats for us.

We get EQUAL rights. That’s all it is about. Equal rights, including the choice of how to live our lives, without being bitched at about it. We get to vote. We get equal pay (well, SOMEDAY, in this DAMN COUNTRY).

But it’s about equality. Not more. Not less. And NOT judging the choices women make.

And yes, men can be feminists too. Because they too can believe in our right to choose how to live our lives. My husband is just such a man.

Feminism: learn what it really is, before you get your panties or boxers in a wad.

 

Wanna Call Me a Parasite? Dare You.

Posted by on Feb 7, 2015 in Angry Political Crap, Social Commentary | 0 comments

Not for the first time,  I’ve lost a job. I’ve been laid off before. Things happen.

But for the first time in my life, I’ve turned to the government because I have twins. My kids have Medicaid. My autistic son can now get help that we couldn’t get, even when I was employed full-time, with VERY GOOD insurance.

We have food stamps (the Lone Star card, in Texas).

Thanks to Obamacare, my husband and I have amazingly good insurance coverage. My copay for my meds today: zero. Our monthly payment is FAR cheaper than COBRA.

I am getting unemployment payments as well.

Am I a parasite?

HELL NO!!

I’ve worked my ass off to pay into this safety net for over 25 years.

You want to judge someone for having name brand shoes and a fancy phone while paying for food from the government teat? Oh, I’m sorry. Was I supposed to throw away everything I EARNED after I lost my job so you don’t have to stand in line behind me feeling so judgemental (“Judge not.” READ YOUR BOOK).

You see someone in line wearing nice clothes paying at the grocery store with food stamps, or at the unemployment office dressed up. How do you know they aren’t job hunting? Interviewing? They’re dressed to the nines doing everything they can to get a new job. Hell, you probably can’t tell Gucci from a knock-off. But you ASSume that they’ve been living like this their whole life.

How do you know they didn’t get those fancy clothes at Goodwill? Or had them BEFORE they lost their job, like I did?

Yeah, we’re doing Craigstlist and eBay and Half Price books to sell off a lot of stuff around here. Meanwhile, I’m busting my ass job hunting, running my web design/development/hosting/you-name-it business and promoting an e-book I wrote.

Still wanna call me a parasite?

THINK! Here’s our story:

My husband was a stay-at-home Dad the first few years of the twins’ lives (cheaper than putting twins in daycare before age 2). Because of the job background of the two of us, I was more marketable and his industry was in a slump (still is), so it made sense for me to get a job. He’s running his own business, and doing rather well, but we get paid maybe twice a year. Not reliable income. In ten years, his business, if it keeps going as it is, could be our bread and butter. So this is an investment in the future.

Meanwhile, he’s been job hunting  in 3 different fields he’s qualified for. He’s applied for minimum wage jobs and can’t get hired. And for those that haven’t been paying attention, today, if you’ve been “jobless” more than a year or so, you are considered unhireable by most companies (idiotic, asinine, short-sighted thinking).

So for those that sit and judge others for “sucking off the government teat”. Walk a mile in someone else’s shoes (again, something my Episcopal Grandmother taught me).

Everyone that is homeless, or using government resources, has a story to tell, that is full of bad luck and just “shit happens”. My husband and I have spent time over the past 14 years talking to a lot of homeless people (especially in San Francisco, a city RIFE with homeless). We’re friends with 2 homeless men in our area and when we could afford it, we’d hire them to do odd jobs. One is a vet. Hell, one of them, we keep his stuff stashed safely in our backyard so he doesn’t get robbed again.

Because even before this job loss, we could walk in someone else’s shoes. We had empathy. And we did NOT judge.

Let him without sin cast the first stone. I don’t think any of you can throw that first stone. Not one of you.

This government safety net means I keep spending money and putting it back into the economy. And again, it is a system I PAID INTO. I’ve been working since before I was a teen. My first “real job” was at 14. By the time I could drive, I was working fast food and paying taxes.

I pay taxes while working for other companies, and when I run my business. So if you think that everyone that lives off the government is some parasite, think again. We’re likely working a HELL of a lot harder than you are. We’re trying to get our lives back. We’re trying to get ahead. We want that “American Dream”.

Judge not.

Walk a mile in someone else’s shoes, before you decide who they really are.

If you can’t do that: you’re a broken person. I got nuthin’ for you.

 

 

 

 

Funny Stuff that Has Happened at Home Lately…

Posted by on Feb 1, 2015 in Family, Funny, Life, You Had to Have Been There | 0 comments

Out of Context Theater

As I walk through the living room, I hear my husband, Skippy on the phone: “So that would be like brunch, but with porn.”

——————–

 Wife: 1, Roach: 0, Skippy: 2

Ok. I have a MAJOR phobia about roaches. Don’t call them palmetto bugs. That sounds cute. They are DAMN ROACHES! They are hellspawn weevils!

Well, our cat found a dying one in the hallway, right outside the bathroom. I usually have my husband come get them. I called him. No answer. Figured he had his headphones on and was gaming.

So I go: “OK. I can do this.” (deep breath)

Grab HUGE wad of toilet paper, grab roach, make a loud, bizarre vocal noise, throw it into toilet.

My husband heard my vocalization, RAN from the MMO he was playing with a friend, because that was either my “I’m hurt” sound or my “I found a roach” sound.

I told him what I did. I was proud of how fast he moved to show how much he loved me. He was so valiant.

Then, “Skippy” kicked in.

And he says, “Now I’m thinking of that scene where the hobbits charge the gates of Mordor.”

Me: “shut up”

Skippy: “Now I’m thinking of the episode from Buffy where Andrew has to sacrifice a pig and screams “THAT’LL DO PIG!!” as a battle cry while running after it.”

Way to ruin my victory moment there, dear.

———–

 Way to Kill a Joke (She Gets it from Her Mother)

I’m sitting at my desk, door closed. And my daughter yells, “Mom, can I give you a hug and a wet willie?”

I open the door and say, “I’ll take the hug, but not the wet willie”.

I see my husband hovering nearby, outside my door.

I give him one of “the looks”.

Me: “Did you just teach her “wet willie”?”

Him: (laughing): “Noooooooo”

I make a face at him, laughing.

Him: (laughing) “Yeah, she was SUPPOSED to hug you and then do it. But ya know….”

This, from the man who introduced the kids to the Peanut Butter Jelly Time video/song.

He brought that on himself…