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Posted by on Feb 1, 2015 in Family, Funny, Life, You Had to Have Been There | 0 comments

Funny Stuff that Has Happened at Home Lately…

Funny Stuff that Has Happened at Home Lately…

Out of Context Theater

As I walk through the living room, I hear my husband, Skippy on the phone: “So that would be like brunch, but with porn.”

——————–

 Wife: 1, Roach: 0, Skippy: 2

Ok. I have a MAJOR phobia about roaches. Don’t call them palmetto bugs. That sounds cute. They are DAMN ROACHES! They are hellspawn weevils!

Well, our cat found a dying one in the hallway, right outside the bathroom. I usually have my husband come get them. I called him. No answer. Figured he had his headphones on and was gaming.

So I go: “OK. I can do this.” (deep breath)

Grab HUGE wad of toilet paper, grab roach, make a loud, bizarre vocal noise, throw it into toilet.

My husband heard my vocalization, RAN from the MMO he was playing with a friend, because that was either my “I’m hurt” sound or my “I found a roach” sound.

I told him what I did. I was proud of how fast he moved to show how much he loved me. He was so valiant.

Then, “Skippy” kicked in.

And he says, “Now I’m thinking of that scene where the hobbits charge the gates of Mordor.”

Me: “shut up”

Skippy: “Now I’m thinking of the episode from Buffy where Andrew has to sacrifice a pig and screams “THAT’LL DO PIG!!” as a battle cry while running after it.”

Way to ruin my victory moment there, dear.

———–

 Way to Kill a Joke (She Gets it from Her Mother)

I’m sitting at my desk, door closed. And my daughter yells, “Mom, can I give you a hug and a wet willie?”

I open the door and say, “I’ll take the hug, but not the wet willie”.

I see my husband hovering nearby, outside my door.

I give him one of “the looks”.

Me: “Did you just teach her “wet willie”?”

Him: (laughing): “Noooooooo”

I make a face at him, laughing.

Him: (laughing) “Yeah, she was SUPPOSED to hug you and then do it. But ya know….”

This, from the man who introduced the kids to the Peanut Butter Jelly Time video/song.

He brought that on himself…

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Posted by on Jul 25, 2013 in Family, Funny, You Had to Have Been There | 0 comments

Kitten vs Ferret

Warning: I’m writing this while sick. So this is either going to be really hilarious or you’ll wish you had 5 minutes of your life back. You’ll have to let me know. I guess writing while sick is kinda like drunk blogging. I may regret this tomorrow.

Anyway…

We have a ferret. We used to have a lot.  We know so much about ferrets, and are such good ferret owners, that when one of our vets was approached by a  journalist for people to interview for a piece on owning ferrets, our vet recommended us.

(I’ll post the link if I get word from the copyright people at the newspaper that it’s OK. I read their Terms after I paid my $1.95 to see the archive article that is hidden from the rest of the world, but I’m too sick to comprehend if it says I can use it or not, so I had to email them and ask. I’d probably have to post screenshots of the article so no one else has to pay and I suspect they won’t be cool with that. So I imagine I’ll get an email answer in a few weeks…)

All most people know about ferrets is that

  • they play a lot
  • will steal anything that’s not nailed down (and they may find a way to take that too since they are related to raccoons)
  • and an abused one will latch onto your hand like a face-hugger from Alien.

But generally, ferrets have 2 modes:

  • PLAY
  • sleep (they sleep for 16 to 20 hours a day)

Before we had kids, we had up to 5 ferrets at one point. When we had our own house up by Chicago, they even had their own room. Any home we lived in was ferret-proofed. And if you’ve had to child-proof a home, that is nothing compared to ferret-proofing a home. (I’m sick, so the word “proof”  is starting to sound weird in my head. Proof proof proof proof proof. Is it weird for you yet too?)

Long before we had kids, we told my in-laws that ferrets are great training for being parents since they are  like having two year olds. Naturally (and understandably) they thought this was hilarious. Until they spent a weekend ferret-sitting while we traveled. Heh.

Now that I have toddler twins, I stand by that statement: ferrets are excellent training tools for potential parents. If you can’t handle ferrets, give up on being a parent. At least for a while. Ferrets are very high maintenance pets. Although without the tantrums toddlers give. Well, ok, they have tantrums, but they aren’t as loud. Ferret tantrums are like dog or cat tantrums: they make a statement somewhere in your house using poop.

But over the years, our ferrets have died. They’ve succumbed to common ferret illnesses. We now have one left.  He’s 6. For a ferret, that’s old.

This means he’s not really up for playing the way ferrets usually do. For him, an exciting day is laying on my husband’s foot until he gets a treat, then ambling over to a nearby spot to sleep again. He’s very un-ferret-like.

Recently, we adopted a kitten.

She’s probably around 8 weeks now. Being a kitten, she’s all about “PLAY!!!!”. She’s like having a young ferret again (without the need to do massive ferret-proofing).

There’s that word again: proof.

Proof proof  proof proof proof proof proof proof proof.

And Molly the kitten wanted to meet Billy the ferret.

They get along fine. But their interactions usually go like this:

Kitten: “HEY MISTER WILLLSSOOONNN!!!” *leaps on ferret*

Ferret: *ignores kitten*

Kitten: “No really, PLAY!!”

Ferret: *rolls over and goes back to sleep*

Kitten: *puzzled* “What’s wrong with this thing? Is it broken?” *bats at ferret some more*

Ferret: “Get off my lawn.”

Kitten gives up on ferret, opting instead to attack my hand and arm, which makes it really hard to write this.

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Posted by on May 14, 2012 in Does She Even Have A Point?, Family, Funny, Who Cares?, You Had to Have Been There | 0 comments

My Inner Two Year Old Is Taking Over

I’ve been exhausted all day. I had little sleep last night and what little there was, as usual, wasn’t great.

Today was not the best Mother’s Day either. The car wouldn’t start, so we had to call a tow truck. It took a couple of hours to get that dealt with since they had to send over a different truck than the one they originally sent.

The tow truck and rain meant no grilled burgers.

At nap time, the twins decided it was naked time. There was pee on the carpet.

Dog got excited. More pee on the carpet.

Websites were to be worked on today.

Didn’t happen.

It rained. Sucks to stand in the rain smoking and trying to read Wired.

Kids did not nap.

By the time they went to bed at 7, I was done for the day.

Then my mother-in-law, who lives with us, cooked burgers and made mine nice and bloody (yay!).

My sweet husband had gone out and got Ben & Jerry’s Cherry Garcia, and cheesy popcorn, since Mother’s Day didn’t turn out so hot.

Also, my husband broke out Bridesmaids, which was funnier than expected (good work Judd Apatow and crew! Lots of great talent in that movie).

Now, it’s 11:15. I had planned to be in bed hours ago. But my 2 and a half year old twins, that fight nap time and bed time, are rubbing off on me.

My inner 2 year old is doing this:

Grown-up Me: “Ok, it’s time to go to bed.”
Kid Me: “Don’t wanna!”
Grown-up Me: “I have to get up early and work on websites since I couldn’t do much work today.”
Kid Me: “Don’t wanna! Play video games!”
Grown-up Me: “I have to be at my day job after that.”
Kid Me: “No! Go smoke a cigarette!”
Grown-up Me: “I really need to do some work while I’m up now at least.”
Kid Me: “Moar video games! How about a strip club?”
Grown-up Me: “Ok, I could at least do some writing.”
Kid Me: “Moar ice cream! There’s still plenty in the freezer. And video games. Get a tattoo.”
Grown-up Me: “I could sit and pay some bills.”
Kid Me: “I forgot to eat the cake mother-in-law got. Eat cake! I notice you still haven’t moved on that ice cream. Hold up a liquor store!”
Grown-up Me: “Here kid, have an Ambien.”
Kid Me: “Noooooo!! You’re not the boss of me!”
Grown-up Me: “3…2…1…”
Kid Me: “Don’t…wan…zzzzzzzzzzz.”

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Posted by on Sep 9, 2011 in Nerd Rage, Who Cares?, You Had to Have Been There | 2 comments

My Pre-Coffee Email to yfrog

My Pre-Coffee Email to yfrog

Ok, some background for those who may read this and go, “I don’t get it”.

yfrog, is a popular web service that allows Twitter users to share photos (because Twitter wasn’t designed for that).

I signed up for the first time, yesterday.

horrible captcha

So...I have to bust out a Windows Character map to fill out a captcha now??? Sigma to the 2nd power?? I am not making this up. This is not Photoshopped. This is an actual screenshot.

And I tried to finish the new user registration process today, and was stopped by a captcha. Trust me, you know what that is. It’s that completely illegible picture of words some websites make you fill out before you can click the submit button for ANYTHING (look at that picture on the left).

And you fill it out 5 times, cussing the whole way, and either your post or message gets through, or you give up in frustration and leave the site, still cussing up a storm.

It’s used to fight spam. But there are other ways to fight spam. We used to use it over on Skippy’s List (yes, that’s my husband and sometimes he says “get in the kitchen and make me a website, woman!”).

We finally ditched the captcha because it’s just a pain in the butt for users. The audio on reCAPTCHA, the one we were using (and the one yfrog uses), absolutely sucks. And any web developer paying any attention knows this. It’s been a complaint for years. I would think that by now, reCAPTCHA knows too because everyone has been making a stink everywhere about it for a while now.

So for some people, there was just no way to ever post a comment. We found other ways to fight spam and have had no problems since ditching the captcha. And that site gets a fair bit of traffic too.

So here’s what I sent yfrog this morning. And the image in this post is the horrible catpcha that was the final straw. And I have to say, for dealing with such a pain in the butt first thing in the morning when my kids woke up an hour early and I’ve had no coffee, this is pretty darn polite.

Also, this is pre-coffee and probably one of those “who cares?” kinds of things (Ok, I get that a lot even after coffee.) Although really, if you own a website, or work with one, you SHOULD care. Really. Blockades between your site visitor and you are a BAD idea.

——-
Hi,

I got my registration email that said:

“Welcome to yfrog, you are almost there!
Complete your registration by clicking here to change the temporary password we have set for you. Once set, you can login to yfrog with your Twitter login or your email address and password.
We look forward to seeing you on yfrog!”

I failed to be able to log in, because reCAPTCHA has become increasingly illegible over the years (and their audio has been horrible from the very beginning).

So now, when I try and finish this process, I get “We’re sorry, the token you provided is no longer valid”. Which, as a web dev, I know what that means, but if I wasn’t a dev, I’d have no clue what that means or what to do about that.

Further, and I have a screenshot of this, that final captcha has a character I can’t even duplicate! It’s the Greek character sigma, and I *think* (again, hard to read) it’s showing to the 2nd power. I’ll be happy to send the screenshot to you.

Now, I can log back in with Twitter. That’s fine. But will I be able to continue to log in or is this going to stop eventually because I can’t change the password per the welcome email?

The captcha does set a major roadblock between your audience and your product. I understand why you want a captcha. I understand you probably fight bots all day. But if you must use a captcha, can you try another? I know recaptcha is free too, but surely it’s not the only free one you can integrate with your site? We used to use this on my husband’s high traffic humor site, but finally ditched it and thanks to other spam fighting tools, we and the blog are not flooded with spam all day. So, there are other ways.

BTW…to get this message through you, I get to use…another catpcha.

Thanks. And again, I’m a dev, I feel your pain. Maybe whoever set this up was just told they had to do this or use this specific captcha service. I hope this is another voice you can give management or whoever and say, “See? I told you so”.

Your new subscriber,
Janice Schwarz

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Posted by on Sep 6, 2011 in Does She Even Have A Point?, Funny, You Had to Have Been There | 3 comments

No Thanks

No Thanks

baby doll

Ok, they look more real than this one. But I understand copyright so I'm not putting a picture on this site.

I am a member of Amazon Mom. This is like Amazon Prime, except instead of paying a membership fee, every time you order something for your kid, that counts towards free shipping. Given that we have twins, and their Subscribe and Save option makes their diapers the cheapest in the U.S., we already have free shipping for just about eternity.

Periodically, Amazon likes to send me emails with the subject “Amazon Mom: Top 10 Deals”.

And among the deals for moms is a lifelike baby doll. Apparently women who buy tons of crap for their kids also buy lifelike dolls, because having even one pint-sized peeing, pooping, crying person in the house just isn’t enough. And seeing as how I clearly order enough stuff to indicate I have twins, Amazon really feels that I must need more of this. So I can pretend I’m getting more of it with my new baby doll.

Or, since I’m not getting enough cuteness from the drunken midgets that run my house, maybe this is just to add to the sugar overload.

Or, maybe this is some kind of therapy doll. Some things, you can’t yell at your kids because they’re too young to understand it, and/or because it’s only going to add to their therapy bill one day. Sometimes, you can’t laugh at the things they do because it’s “wrong” or will only encourage them to do it again. But this one, you can yell at. Things like, “holy shit I know you’re sick but STOP CRYING!!” or even just a simple “Go the F**k to Sleep“.

I mean, I didn’t even play with dolls as a kid but seeing one of these, I’m a convert. I don’t know if it pulls off it’s diaper, pees on the floor, and paints with poop. But I really hope it does. Because what I need more of in my life, is just that. Or again, to at least pretend like I’ve got one more that’s doing it.

On my twins first birthday, know what we got?

“We” got a vasectomy.

And every now and then, someone says to me, “Oh, but you’ll want more one day”.

And I try not to laugh in their face. Really hard.

Ok, to be fair, every now and then I have a brief moment of, “awww….I want another baby…”.

Ladies, we know what this is. It’s called INSANITY. And let’s face it, women do crazy REALLY WELL.

Thankfully, my husband is fixed so if I’m wacked out on Ambien one night I can’t yell, “Screw the condoms! Let’s make a new one! Woooo!!!”. (Granted, this would also instantly be fixed by my husband fleeing the house before I could finish the first sentence.)

I was never one of those “pregnancy is a magical experience” kind of women.

I was a “this sucks, you suck, every one of you I see can all go to hell, I’m going out of my mind and taking my husband with me, when will this nightmare end???” kind of women.

So thankfully, the odds of me going full-bore crazy and deciding we needed one more, even if my husband wasn’t fixed, is pretty low.

So a lifelike baby doll? Oh hell no.

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